The Sensory Dispensary

Last night I was having yet another discussion with a family member trying to explain how the sexual abuse I experienced as a child still has significant effects on me to this day, and specifically how it feels like they just don’t seem to comprehend how damaging it actually was. It, in many ways, still dictates how I interact with the world. My ability to connect, communicate, trust, love and even just experience the things happening around me.

I have been working with a therapist to reconcile and come to some sort of resolution with these assaults but it’s a daily struggle trying to navigate all of this.

Some days I feel like I make progress while others I seem to lose ground. It feels like there are opposing armies in my head trying to take a particular hill during a war, and they just keep swapping control of it back and forth, essentially going nowhere – just racking up huge casualties, all of whom happen to be me.

A little later it occurred to me that I have been fighting this same internal battle since I was six years old. Every day. Every fucking day for over 50 years.

And you know what, I am tired. I am just so tired. The abuse itself, and trying to deal with the aftermath of it has exhausted me, it has stolen so much of my life away from me already, and it feels like it’s never going to stop, and I am tired.

You needn’t worry about me, my success rate for dealing with this sort of shit is 100% and even though it can be really hard to start my days sometimes, I always find joy in the time I spend with Gina and our kitties, and listening to music, and trying to find at least one thing out in the world every day that makes me smile. Hopefully putting something out in to the world occasionally that makes someone else smile – that would be nice too.

When I woke up this morning, the song “Endless Parade” by Gov’t Mule was floating around in my head and I would like to share it.

Warren Haynes has mentioned in interviews that this song was written about a touring musician who is exhausted by the constant cycle of touring. But like all great songwriters he also captures something much more universal, exploring themes of a struggle for authenticity, purpose and genuine connection. And, of course, the never-ending nature of these struggles. All of this resonates with me pretty deeply. Full lyrics are below the video but I want to bring special attention to this section which so beautifully captures the sameness of the struggle and how it just continues from one day to the next, bookended by the dawn and the sunset.

Another new day dawns
Another sunset fades
It’s like an endless parade

Here are the full lyrics:

A primadonna with a premonition
Feels like he’s preachin’ to the choir
A superstar filled with superstition
Can pull himself out of the mire
All you ever dreamed of is finally in your reach
But careful what you wish for
If you don’t practice what you preach

The circus came to town, I guess it must have stayed
It’s like an endless parade

All these people you can see through like ghosts
Maybe you’ve seen too much
Nothin’s real, nothin’ you can feel
No one you can touch

Strangers stare in silence
They think they know your mind
No place to jump off
That’s the way the game’s designed

Another new day dawns
Another sunset fades
It’s like an endless parade

Music, music and more music
Imploding inside your brain
The life that you have chosen
Did it finally drive you insane

Psychophantic tirades
Fill your head with ammunition
Sights set on your enemies

But you keep losing your position
Reluctantly you face the day
Try to get your gameface on
What used to be a fantasy

Has now become a marathon
Every heart you ever broke
All the people you betrayed
Yeah, another new day dawns
Another sunset fades

Yeah, the circus came to town
I guess it must have stayed
It’s like an endless parade