The Sensory Dispensary

A couple of days ago I was so glad to hear from Gina that Shadow and Jackie, the two bald eagles we watched from Big Bear Valley last year, had returned to their nest and that she had laid two eggs and that it was anticipated that there would be a third.

Last year we would just load up YouTube on our TV in the morning and leave it on in the background while we worked. It was so wonderful and relaxing to watch them as they waited for the eggs to hatch and then through the fledgling of the two eaglets.

We started to do the same this year. I wanted to write something last night about how grateful I was to have them back, with all the shit happening in the world and the havoc wreaking through huge swathes of my life right now, it was so peaceful and calming and I was looking forward to the next few months of just hanging out with them.

I guess I am glad I waited.

This afternoon both Jackie and Shadow had left the nest, and me and Gina watched horrified when a bit later a large raven landed on the edge and eyed the unprotected eggs. Shifting his gaze from the eggs to the sky, probably on the alert for the returning parents, he moved around the nest for a few moments before he started to peck at one of the eggs. He picked it up and moved it away from the other and broke through the shell with his beak.

He started to toy with the other egg but I don’t think he damaged it. A few minutes later one of the eagle parents returned and resumed sitting on the remaining egg, the broken shell just a few inches away.

I honestly can’t deal with this. This was my escape from shitty people doing shitty things in a shitty world and it just got fucking shitty.

I am heartbroken for Jackie and Shadow and for all of us that were looking forward to watching these amazingly beautiful and majestic birds in their tranquil lake view nest, only to get slapped in the fucking face with a reminder that there is no escape from the shit.

• Everything has always been shit
• Everything is currently shit
• Everything will always be shit

Every time I dare to think otherwise, even for a fucking moment, I end up regretting it.