I’ve been thinking a lot about how abuse dynamics continue long after the original abuse ends. One pattern I’ve noticed is how perpetrators and their allies reframe a victim’s self-protection as aggression. When someone who was harmed finally speaks their truth or sets boundaries, suddenly THEY become the problem. Their healing is reframed as revenge. Their boundaries are reframed as attacks.
What’s remarkable is how predictable these patterns are. Family systems theory describes these roles and responses with such accuracy that it’s almost textbook: the identified patient who speaks uncomfortable truths, the protected member whose position must be maintained, the enforcers who attack anyone disrupting the system, the conflict-avoiders who stay silent. Everyone playing their parts exactly as expected, working together to preserve the dysfunction rather than address it.
I’ve spent my life trying not to hurt anyone, even people who hurt me. I’ve shared my story to heal and help others, never to harm. I’ve set boundaries to protect myself, not to punish anyone. But I’ve learned that in dysfunctional systems, your self-protection will always be reframed as you being the aggressor. That’s how the system protects itself.
I’m done worrying about being misunderstood by people who are determined to misunderstand me. I know my intent. I know my heart. That has to be enough.
- Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash
Your thoughts?